I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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