Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
