dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
He passed out mid-signature
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Help. Why am I so naked?
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