M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
