why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
