New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
it was like eating out sand paper
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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