Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Randomize
