i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
