I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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