I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
