nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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