I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
