The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
