Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Randomize
