Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
