Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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