Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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