I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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