I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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