I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
