wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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