i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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