Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
