I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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