I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
