I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Even my vagina gasped.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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