I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
