i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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