I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
is that a dick in a sweater?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
