dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
