I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
