census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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