I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
