I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
