Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
