I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
