Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
