i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
