Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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