someone threw a dead crab at me
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
