My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
