Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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