The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
