My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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