I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
