i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
