when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
