Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
