and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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