Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
