Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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